The Story of TEA

As told by Snorko the Alien, official hostess of the 33rd Annual International Mongoose on Strategic Periwinkle.

well so some of you have been asking to hear my life story well listen up cos here it is i was born in a very very small town in kyrgyzstan wherei lived with my parents til age 4 it was a happy town we had many flowers and a dog basket my dad is a cosmonat he went on a mission to see the sun. i was hapy but mom was sad for some reason,, i did not understand but i hate too see mom sad so i had to runaway from home. i didnt see mom again or dad i think maybe thats why mom was sad anyway then i ranaway to the big city where kurmanbek bakiyev try to kidnab me. but i said kurma just fuck off your such a little weed you know u dont have the balls and he was said ok and then he bought me an appartment. so herei am 8 yrs old living in appartment in bishkek i think not bad! then i look at all the other 8 yr olds living in appartments and theyr all street urchins or some shit, i didnt want to be street urchin so i say to vladislav were goin to a university,, he says YEAH not just any u niversti though, the sorbonne in parris! so we go to paris next day and enroll in the sorbonne. but theres not much place left for us since we are late, vladisav wants socieolgy and politics and i want econimics and sociolgey theres only 1 place left in socioligy so i feed vladislav some poison ivy and i get my place! wohoo so i was in paris great then i spot this really cute guy hes name is like jean-paul or something real intelectual amazing eyes liked to hang out at a bar called LE REVE or watever ANYWAY. i keep trying to meet him but ofcourse how can a 14 yr old get in to a bar in paris!!! so i go on the internet andi find instructions on making disguise to look older,, that nite i try them out and they totally work! so im lookin n the mirror seeing this ravishing 24 yr old lookin back at me and suddenly i think HELL that jean-jacques whatsisname is so below me now, screw him!!!! and i pack my bags and head for the train station (on the way i pass that stupid bar just to GLARE in at that shitface haha) and i get on the next freight train. so now im sittin in this boxcar (full of boxes) and i see a lot of cool sights passin by outside, 19 hrs later and were still travelin! FINALLY we stop at some place, it looks like hell roastin marshmallows outside but i dont care anymore i jump out into the railyard and there is a sign says we've arrived in TRUTH OR CONSEQUENCES, NEW MEXICO. well well well i think that is a perfect name for me to start my new life here! i head for the nearest gas station and people are given me funny looks i think i must look pretty good in my disguise rite here anyway about 3min later county police come roarin up in the cruisers and next thing i know i wake up handcuffed to a bench so i holler at the sherriff let me out im innocent. oh he says it speaks english! now im wonderin what the hell kind of sick shit is he tryin to pull but turns out basically my disguise is made everyone think im an alien. seriously people here must be always on the lookout, god! anyway i take off the disguise and show the sherriff im just an innocent 20 yr old woman not even old enough to buy a drink, sherif lets me out all sorry like then askes can he buy me a drink! i say fuck no mr sherrif you asshole, look what youre after puttin me through buttface, he says your very pretty but this is srsly creepin me out i just spit and get the hell out of there! so basically i'm off but the sherriff is still after me i need someplace to lie low. ofcourse while i was in jail i made plenty of contacs in the underground so thats easy i just call up my friend BILLIE JOAN (who is infact a man dont let the name fool u!) he says come down u can hang out at my place and we'll jam! so i did and basically thats what wev ben doin for the past 2 yrs, hangin out and jammin. 1 day billie joan comes home from chef wongs with the dinner its chiken chow mien or sumthin, he sais I HAVE THE PERFECT NAME FOR OUR BAND our band?i said what the hell we're jus jammin relax man!! he say
oh so now they truncated my story WITH OUT WARNING, well FINE. here it is AGAIN. so i am living with bilie bob lobblock (hes changed his name now, good for him) in truth or consequences, new mexico and we are hangnig out every night and having parties with all our friends there even the sherrif cos billie bob knows him and he convinced him to let me off for assalting him & causing hystiria and so on, anyway lol. so one night me and billie bob are sittin on the couch, just relaxin chillin & stuff, next thing he jumps up about 5 foot in the air, starts runnin around packin clothes franticly and breathin all crazy, i'm like 'waht are you doing man' and he says SORRY LAURIE, IMPORTANT TEA BUSINESS before he runs out the door, snap just like that. so i'm left here sittin in TRUTH OR CONSEQUENCES, NM wondering what the fuck just happened i never here from him again he's just a memory i'm supposedly still in this band but does that even mean anything i guess i'll never know. :(